Allways keep it within your heart.
Open the light for those who fear and worry.
Travel along the spirits you love.
And never forget;
You are a child of light.
I once wrote these lines, along with the drawing above, for a dear friend of mine, if not one of the dearest. I loved her and I still do and these lines gave me and her hope, once and now. They are sacred and gave both of us something for our hearts to connect.
Now she´s busy with working on her life, walking her path so she can make life as she wants it to be. She´s busy staying energized, spreading light were she can and avoiding the darkness so it doesn´t consumes her mind in the parts where she´s struggling.
I do not see her often anymore, I don´t reach out that often. But when we get together it is still full of light, when we can feel one another. The drawing and the lines are still on her wooden boam, right beside her beloved plants, candles and books. So I believe its still a sign of that hope we once shared. And she is still a child of light, so bright for the people around her, with courage and love. I´m proud.
The last time I read these lines again was some days ago and I looked at them... kinda hopeless. What happened in that moment?
I remembered the hope I felt and recaped it for the moment. And I felt hopeless.
Why?
Because I once stood beside a child of light, enlightened by her bright colour and vivid spirit, and so did she. But right now... I feel like a child of darkness. Allways searching for the sun to shine on my skin so I can absorb the heat and light, never able to produce some of my own. I got cold and my black hole swallows everything. Everything that seems to be a sign of hope, but never gives birth to anything. It´s irony.
As soon as I bow over my drawings I feel some kind of salvation from myself, they give me peace, because I can´t give it to myself.
Even in these moments, they are the creation of mine but I in person can´t give myself hope, peace. Only salvation, some kind of rescue and no cooperation. I feel myself flee from my own wars, cowardly hiding behind the pages of my creativity, not solving what must be solved. Is that real courage or is it only hiding for the good of your own beloved ones? In a case like mine, these images, pictures of my inner worlds and peace, give a clue of hope for the world around me.
But by now this hope doesn´t expand to the world around me like I used to do. I once learned on my own, throught others, what it means to be out in the open with that creative world of mine. Now I fear to analyze it, because I allready know what the seperated parts tell about me.
They do not only tell how a world can hurt your inner one, it also tells about two worlds beeing splitted, worlds which are meant to be one.
I´ve already talked about this topic in another post, about how inner and outer worlds can connect and give one peace in mind and heart. How exhietment fills your lungs as soon as this state of beeing is managed and embraced, it makes you feel open and clear. Chaotic and at the same time happy, as if you could do anything, because you finally managed the impossible. Or you gave yourself the illusion of it, even this is the first step of engaging that process.
By now it feel only within, not without. This time where I got hurt is over, but everything that hurt me is still around me. The person, the feeling, the old stuff. It´s so common to get hurt by another person, it´s mostly the reason why people go crazy on themselfes because they can´t bear the other one. Doesn´t matter in which way but in one we mostly do.
And the more society grows, the more we seperate, the more we grow inward and outward, not knowing what we exactly do.
Because everything around us is telling us something different, that other stuff matters...
It´s a difficult topic, I´m not sure if I can catch it. I feel hurt and I tried for so long to keep that hurt inside, to manage myself, expressing for myself, helping my other hopeless half.
And for a while it worked out, I got time, space and emptyness for all these feelings and thoughts which overcame my conciousness.
Now, it´s difficult to do so because I haven´t got any of that. Maybe I got the right place as I can guess but the most important thing I do not have. Space, acceptance for everything that´s going on within me. I am standing still, not knowing which path I should go, allways thinking of different ones even if the one I want to go is right in front of me. I´m pressuring myself so much, that my within turns outwards.
I can´t look or even be around people who express love, because I can´t give it myself. Because the hurt is still around me and it hurts everyday, allways. Sometime I recognise, sometimes I do not. I dont do thing that make my heart tender, only things which are without any expenditure or which do not bother others. But my inner world screams for beeing opened again, not beeing afraid and letting go.
How could I with a partner which does not let go of himself?
I think I need more space, time and new aspects of life to heal myself again. Not tiptoe around the same spot, finally choosing the path right in front of me and go it with all I got. Expressing is the first step and then action the next one. It´s that simple. Once I wrote it down it seems so simple... And in the next moment I fear the consequences so badly. It means I may have to endure hurt again. And I´m always getting hurt deeply, it never is just on the surface...
So what does it matter?
A little bit more of hurt...?
(2/2 2021)