I needed a long time to reconstruct my thoughts on myself, Kind era and my earlier book Speed of light.
After the last 2 years I´ve come to certain points of myself I thought I had left behind. But during this time and within the creating of Kind era new views arised within myself and formed shapes, words, worlds and conclusions. It´s not only that the whole coronasituation has fucked me up good, even if I always denied it, it´s more about a reproduction of younger- self feelings. Maybe they will never fade and maybe this is my core I´ve to accept and look at in peace. Because within this process of construction and drawing I´ve drawn the line between the comic "Kind era" and my book "Speed of light" which I started with 10 and rearranged around the age of 17 when my first crisis took place(in creation and feelings).
Not only that my melancholic states isolated me from the things that were happening around me, also my (as I felt at this time) existential need for love made me constantly feel as I was drowning within a world that was ruled by the logic rules. I did not only bring up a constant hope and love for anything and everyone who had the potential for higher beeings and more love, I also gave plenty of myself away. Again and again I gave myself away for nothing, for little moments of joy. I guess I always looked desperatly for something that kept this task alive. To love, to hope, not to sink under the surface. And now I took another look and realised I´m not much different now... but I´ve drasticly changed my point of view.
At a younger age I was constantly hurt, hurt by reasons I could not change because I brought so much hope with me even if others did not. And that disaffected me more and more, I did not saw many glimpses of hopes I could recieve back and if I did, that was everything I ever wanted. The tiniest glimpses brought me ages of new hope and love, thats why I could give so much of it.
This describtion does not only go for people and relationships, it´s also counting for objects, events and everything in life.
And just at the finish line of my comic book "Kind era" I realised my own world in a new way I already had within me, I just did not take this point of view.
By now my encounter with this point of view did a hudge drop in the last years. In my Teenage years I already had my first drop and now I got one again. Maybe it´s nature since most people say that you get 2 of these around these ages.
"Kind era" is the product of this drop and also half way up the mountain, in it´s process it´ll probably face more aspects of this point of view.
So was my started book "Speed of light". It was a hudge drop within my heart and at the same time it gave me so much hope.
The topic I outlined in this (only written) book was how the world would and could end. Even if there were different human correlations in which I saw myself over and over again, the main topic was a hope for an ending. The hope to find more in life than I was experiencing at this time and at the same time a hope for the end for all of it. To space out and look at the world from the third perspective, the humanly need to be the ovserver of this world. I went so far, that I saw myself in all day life situations in the role of the beholder. This moving feeling I tried to integrate into the story even if the protagonists were described with vivid feelings and a lot of insight into their dreams, fears and hopes. I was always feeling with them but I was not a prisoner of their skin and body, differently to my own existing.
I had lot of talks with different people about the book, got new ideas and a lot of insight what others, especially adults, saw in the written lines. Once I had a good talk with the wife of my dad and she said quite openly, that she´s a bit scared and is curious how I always end up in situations where the world would end. Not only the world in my own book, also the stories of the main protagonists turned into a szenario where the whole world of their feelings was brought to the edge of no return or their own limits. The feelings were so intense and moving, every feeling more staggering than the other one.
But as I look at it now, they were always followed by warmer feelings of hope, little but enlightened, like a little firefly in the nightsky of fireworks at new year with fire ban. Rare but beautiful, hidden so only the curious and attentive reader could catch them. On some occasions the stories still look a bit depressed to me. It seemed clear, that I wanted the world in my stories to end, they had to end so there was space for others, other possibilities.
So coming back to my present comicbook:
"Kind era" is a new projection of my first try to end the world, give ending and beginning new meaning for myself. Because in this version the world has literaly already ended, there is no past and if there are glimpses of it, they´re forgotten and ignored. This ending is final out of the prospective of my protagonists, there is no need for more as it was in "Speed of light". But there is always another side which will encounter you in life that will tell you different, even if you´re settled and okays with this fact. There will always be this other side, soothing isn´t it? You´ll never be in complete immunity to your doubts and other impulses. Or should you be to finally get peace or is it just the easy way?
To return to my present state and rehersal of my beeing:
I wont try to be at any side of the characters telling or experience, I´ll always stay inbetween and take place in the point of the beholder. This trait stayed the same and of course the reason for no reason. I personally struggled and still struggle with reasons, even if I know there is no need to do so. Reasons appear and happen, put them in whichever way you want and you get the results you want. Do the opposite way and you get the reverse of it. And so we come to the old fact that there is no good and evil. There is no ending, no beginning, only reasons to let go, to stay, to try. And the more I think about if there is an ending in any occasion, I can sooth myself with the fact that there will be a new beginning, if I´m a part of it or not.
And if I´m able to love and hope this much, I´ll be able to refresh myself, to give myself back to the core within me. I´ll be able to hold this love for the beginning and ending.
So give a bit of input for my characters even it´ll probably be a short one in comparison to my explanation right up above.
All my characters poped out of nowhere and they´re only scribbles in my scetchbooks, they trasformed over time and if I´m honest, they all hold aspects of me within them. Well it couldn´t be different since an artist always creates his art out of himself, even unconcious. All of them give me kind of comfort and I did never really think they could become something like a comic character because they always lived in my mind.
Merle is the character I feel most connected right now, even if Meridith and Boris have many traits I can releate to. But she has the potential to find reasons for an ending or a beginning. In her first interactions in Volume 1 she´s always selfdestructive in a hidden way. She conceals this facade of her beeing with an impulsive and convincing way of beeing the captain of the crew, caring for her family even if she wanders off with her mind, even if she doesn´t feel like she should exist. Therefore I can relate a lot as I see my younger self in her. Not identically but splinters of her motivations... and I´m very curious how she´ll end up in the end, even if I already know that some of my other main characters will guide her some steps along the way.
Meridith is a young boy I always wished to be or experienced, it is kinda easy since he´s a bit of a comfort character. He´s a very intelligent beeing, never fails to see his own paths but has a big mouth with which he defends himself from the whole cruel world. Whatever he does is out of a motivation no one can really understand and his grining way of living is far appart from every common kid. He´s a kid, born to be an adult too early but also has the potential to preserve his eternal child along his own way. No understanding for ends and beginnings, instead a more special way of experiencing the world and it´s limitations I´ve not found yet. I´m looking forward to create more out of him, see him grow and learn more from him, so I can expand my point of view afreshed.
Boris has reincarnated a lot of the demons I picked up along my way when I grew into adulthood. All his facades are afflicted by something and mostly hes in constant fight with himself and the world. Always on the edge of proving his idendity and mind, never really present in his physical form. Even if he has a lot in heart, his ways make it so difficult to include all this love in his actions and if he´s not healing himself, giving it time to settle, he could break every coming moment.
First it was very difficult for me to design and draw Boris because he did not have much of interest for anything. So i did not have the interest to create and draw him, it was almost like i had a relationship with a real person. Boris does not care for himself, neither does he know how to look after himself of set himself free, he´s just vegetating along the way. Even if he´s already settled at his almost 30 years and had a traumatising experience, I do not share his point of view when it comes to selfdestruction and healing. But after a while I remembered my younger self and gave his character a soothing look. I accepted his hurt as I accepted my own one with age and looked at it in a different way. And after a while... Boris and I became quite good buddies. We managed to sit together and look at the world differently, together. And maybe there is still light on Boris way.
All characters in one: They´re the crew or group which is looking for origin, which is destructive and impulsive, a family who gives one another a ground for rotten roots. I my first book there is a big focus on this group which is left behind by a past they never really got to know and they´re able to recreate their own origin. The question still remains, will they be able to do so? This is their main topic as the other groups of "Kind era" will have their own one.
This text came out of nowhere and maybe I´ll re-do it once I got more time.
Maybe you enjoyed the little input and the insights into the world of me and Kind era.
Maybe you enjoyed it so much, that you want to come with me on this journey, I´d be honored.